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Buffy, Slay'em One More Time | Barfy the Vampire Slayer | The Slayer Slayer (1 to 6) | Untitled Fanfic
Barfy the Vampire Slayer
"All that Was"
Buffy = Barfy
Willow = Pillow
Oz = Was
Giles = Piles
Xander = Pander
Cordelia = Cordial
Angel = Angle
Spike = Bike
Dru = Poo
It was seemingly just another typical day in the life of a Vampire Slayer. Vampires? Well, ok, let's face it, the girl slays everything. That's the Barfy we know and love! But this is beside the point…
As usual, Barfy's loyal group of friends, her highly necessary supporters, her best friend Pillow, that poor confused girl claiming to be both Jewish and a Witch at the same time. Does Pillow realise that you can only be one religion at a time? Oh well, lets ignore that puzzling fact for now, after all, she's only a teenager…
Yeah, Pillow; good ol' Panda; Panda's girlfriend Cordial, the local bimbo, who may be shallow, but she means well; Was, the odd boyfriend of Pillow, with the unfortunate curse of the Werewolf; and good ol' Piles, Barfy's faithful Watcher and the school's librarian (and what a hottie he is… NOT!)
All five of them are patiently waiting in the library, chatting and studying Pile's old demon books, when finally Barfy, late as usual, runs in..
"Oh, am I late? Sorry, I wasn't feeling too well, had to stop and have a spew in the loo…"
"Barfy," sighs Piles, exasperated, "you're always feeling sick, that's how you got your name."
Confused, as usual, being the ditzy girl she is, "Name?… I'm always…?… Omigod…" Barfy runs to the nearby wastepaper bin and throws up into it.
Pillow runs over to her and caringly asks, "Oh Barfy, are you alright?"
Barfy's simple reply, "BLEURGHH!" as she continues to vomit the remains of her breakfast, coffee and doughnut.
"It must be because you're so excited about our latest disaster. We have discovered this… this… thing! A really dangerous thing!" in her usual Pillowy way.
Panda's input into the conversation is rather predictable. "It's a whole big thingy thing!"
Cordial cries out in disgust, "EWWW! Gross! Barfy, I can smell it from here!"
Was smiles sheepishly and confesses, "Um, no, that was me." This is rather obvious as upon looking in his direction, a greenish-brown cloud surrounds him. Well, at least that's what they visualise from the smell! It's pretty bad! Cordial sensibly opens the windows, complaining "Lay off the beans, you filthy dirt-bag!" At that, poor Was bursts into tears, and Pillow runs to comfort him. Talk about `sensitive new aged guys!"
At this point, Piles begins to explain further detail about their latest problem (other than Was' flatulence), "There is a new Demon in Sunnydale. It is a particularly viscous one. A sewage demon."
"What a load of crap!" remarks Panda, triggering Pile's excited response.
"Well, actually, that's what it hibernates in-"
Of course, being a little old and mouldy, he doesn't quite catch onto what Panda's talking about, "No, I meant about the viscous bit. I could fight off a poo demon any day! Yes, look out crap demons, Panda can fight! Me, brave Panda!"
Ignoring Panda's load of crap, Piles continues, "back to the point, it hibernates in faeces for 278 years, and then wakes up and-"
"EEEEWWW! So they haven't cleaned the school toilets for that long!?!" yes, it's Cordial, and yes, once again she's disgusted.
"Anyway," continuing his explanation despite pointless interruptions, "there are quite a few of these demons around here. They have just woken up, and of course, they have to come to our hellhole! They are hiding in the lavatories, waiting to prey on their victims."
"Yeah, they emit the most horrible stench, really stink. So bad that it makes you vomit-" added Pillow, which set off poor Barfy again.
"Oh no… BLEURRGH!" Panda quickly hands Barfy the bin and just in time too, as it nearly ended up on the clean library floor. Clean library floor? That must have been a typo! This library is in Sunnydale High, remember? A school? OK, so Barfy nearly vomits on the library floor, which was already dirty, but didn't already have that on it!
All of this continues to leave Piles unfazed, as he still continues to go on and on and on about the demon, "And so it waits until you have your head in the toilet throwing up, and then, head first, it pulls you in and sucks out your intestines through your nose!"
"Bye bye intestines!" chimes in an enthusiastic Pillow, eyes lighting up with glee and grinning like a Jacko Lantern!
"It then gets the intestines, and fills them with faeces, making demon sausages. They are a delicacy and are enjoyed at the annual gathering of Vampires and other nasties." Continues Piles, in great delight.
A recovering Barfy is able to defend the love of her life, Angel the Vegetarian Vampire. "Angle doesn't eat them. Angle is nice. Nice Angle!" Can the girl ever say anything sounding remotely intelligent? Probably not!
At this, Panda's lame, but much loved attempts at humour begin, "He prefers pizza. Likes to measure the angles of the triangular slices!"
Just as Angle is being discussed, out angelic hero walks in. this is a strange… a very old Vampire hanging out in the library of a local high school, in daytime! Weird… Angle greets them happily and announced his news. "Hello all, I have a plan!"
A relieved Piles, who is by now getting slightly frustrated at the incidences so farm is pleased to hear of this. "Yes, do tell, Angle."
Buffy, now fully recovered from her episode of chundering, trots over to Angle and plants a big, fat, sloppy kiss on his cheek. Just as well your average, garden variety, fictional Vampire doesn't age, because the thought of Barfy kissing a man who is a few hundred years old is enough to make ANYONE barf! Actually, it's Angle who nearly vomits this time.
"Augh! Have you been barfing again, Barfy? Go brush your teeth, and have a glass of cordial or something."
"Huh?", sounds like a confused Cordial, met by the reply of Was, who is over his little emotional state.
"No, not you!"
Not wishing to let this nonsense hold back their important work of saving the world from evil demons of Sunnydale, Pillow urges Angle to continue "The plan, Angle, tell us the plan!"
And so Angle tells them about his plan. "Right, well, I was reading this book on Pythagorus, and then it came to me!"
Pillow has a not so successful guess. "A crap demon?", only to be corrected by Piles."
"A SEWAGE demon!" Of course, Piles is wrong too!
"No, the plan!" exclaims an amazed Angle.
"Oh," says an embarrassed Pillow.
Finally, Angle continues to explain. "So I constructed a diagram, with my compass, protractor, … (bla bla bla) … using Pythagorus' Theorem, and here it is." Angel proudly unrolls a scroll of appropriately stained and dirty paper displaying an immaculately constructed and mathematically brilliant plan.
Barfy, as established as earlier, being a slightly ditzy girl, is confused, "And exactly how are we expected to act that out?"
Good ol' Pillow, the brain of the group has the answer to this one. "Oh no, this is a plan of the sewage system, like a map, Barfy! Not your plan! You're the Slayer, you work out your own plan."
Piles agrees with Pillow on this. "That's right, Pillow. Barfy, remember, we are only here to help. You are the chosen one, you are the Slayer." Followed by one of Barfy's odd responses, "Help. Yes. Plan, I'll think of one…"
The girl always had trouble constructing sentences, but this was a problem among most of our beloved Sunnydale students!
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, Bike and Poo are in the sewer making their own plans…
Anxiously awaiting Bike's new plan, Poo nags Bike to keep thinking. "Keep thinking my sweet, make me an ingenious plan! Why haven't you defeated the Slayer yet? Have you lost your talents?"
In a fit of offended frustration, Bike answers her. "No! Of course not! You've seen her! She has an entire team behind her! Fools they may be, but there are several of them. Never you worry, Poo, I will get her. I will…"
"Goodbye little Slayer!" Cries Poo in response, clapping her hands excitedly.
"It's just a matter of being there at just the right time. If we wait until the sewage demons rise, tonight she will be there, slaying til her little heart's content in the toilets if she can withstand the forces of the fumes!"
"And then we attack!" adds Poo, getting more and more excited by the minute.
"Slay the Slayer!" continued Bike, keen to defeat his enemy at last, believing that, yes, this time he can do t, "You wait here, and when the demons are ready to rise, in the middle of the school dance, when everyone needs to use the toilets, that is when I too will be ready. Ready for our little Slayer! I will wait outside in he shadows and when out little Slayer gets tired, she's ours!"
"I'm getting hungry already! Exclaims the ever-thirsty Poo.
"Just a few hours from now, and we will have the Slayer's blood to drink!" Bike promises Poo.
"The Slayer's blood!" cries Poo with a gleeful giggle.
* * * * * *
Night time at the Sunnydale High School dance
Interrupting a mushy and romantic dance with Angle (romantic enough to make ANYONE want to barf!), the ever anxious Pillow )is she always anxious, or is it just that she can't talk properly?) comes to warn Barfy that it is nearly time for some good old fashioned Slaying, :Barfy, the sewage demons are going to rise in just a few minutes! Everyone has been drinking heaps of cordial-"
Once again confusing the bimbo (Cordial again!), "Huh?" and once again Was steps in to help her understand things.
"No, not you!"
And jyst in case Barfy didn't realise that Pillow was talking about, Panda continues, "Anyway, everyone will need to pee really soon."
Was, or gaseous friend, has a problem of his own right now. "Yeah, and I really need to crap."
Piles comes along just in time. "Well, now this is hardly the time, unless you want a sewage demon to devour your intestines."
"And your intestines are so much cuter inside you than outside you!" says Pillow, playfully punching Was in the arm.
Getting back to business, or something, Angle asks, "Well, are you ready Barfy?"
Yes, she is ready, as always, like any Slayer should be. "I don't think that's an issue. Stinky demons are hungry. Hungry stinky demons bad!" I guess it is not essential to have immaculate (or even okay) speaking skills when you are likely to have all of your teeth punched out in a fight with a vampire!
As Barfy gets out her stake and warms up, getting ready to fight, Piles tells her where they will be waiting. "We'll be waiting just outside the toilets in case you need us."
Now all ready for some demon fighting action, "Right then, lets go get `em stinky crap demons!" calls Barfy, as she jogs off to the little girls' room, only once again to be corrected by old Piles.
"Sewage demons…" though nobody is listening to him.
Barfy enters the girls toilets…
"OMIGOD! I'm late! This smell, bad smell. Oh god! I'm going to be sick!" Maybe it is the demons' odour, but then again, we all know how bad school toilets can smell. It could be just that triggering Barfy's reaction!
Just in time, as Barfy is running towards the nearest toilet to throw up, Pillow saves her, running in and grabbing Barfy and holding out an aeroplane vomit-bag, letting Barfy throw up her last meal into it.
"No Barfy! Not the toilet! Here, spew in this, then you're safe. Oh yuck! BLEURGGH!"
Unfortunately Pillow didn't get a barf-bag for herself too, as at the sight, sound and smell of Barfy having a barf, Pillow also has a vomit, on Barfy's brand new designer little strappy shoes! But Barfy shouldn't have been wearing those shoes anyway. After all, she is meant to be fighting evil tonight!
When both Barfy and Pillow have finished chucking, Pillow runs out of the toilets, embarrassed about her little accident on her best friend's new show.
"Ok, I'm on my own. Got a barf-bag, and a stake. Mmmm… speaking of stakes, I'm really hungry. I'd kill for a steal on the barbie. Kill, yes, demons. Oh no! Demons!"
looking around Barfy sees that everyone else is gone. Barfy is all alone in the world's smelliest toilets with a stake, a vomit bag, 16 sewage demons hungry for intestines, and Pillow's vomit between her toes!
"Hey, where is everyone? Hello? Is anyone here? Oh little crap demons, where are you?"
Giles pokes his head in the doorway of the girls' toilets, "SEWAGE demons, Barfy! OH MY GOD! THE STENCH!" and he runs off and throws up in the bushes, where Pillow is lying after fainting from the humiliation of throwing up on her best friend's brand new strappy shoes.
Once again all alone in the toilets. Barfy hears a sound. A sticky, slimy squelch as 16 sewage demons climb out of the toilets, and leap towards Buffy, who is yet again vomiting into the bag Pillow gave her.
"EEEK! Demons! Help! HELP! Take THAT!" Barfy stabs one demon, and then, "BLEURRGH!" She falls on her knees, violently vomiting from the stench.
Angle runs in carrying a newly sharpened set square, protractor and compass, and slays a few demons, Then he focuses his attention on rescuing his loved one, the beautiful Barfy. But there are still another 12 demons, alive and hungry, and still as stinky as ever!
When all seems to be going okay, Was runs in. Yet these are still the girls' toilets, mind you!
"I can't hold it any longer! I really REALLY need to crap!" and makes a dash for the nearest cubicle. He is followed by Panda, who actually has some sense for once!
"NO! Was! The demons!" but she is too late. Was slams the cubicle door in Panda's face pulls down his pants, comfortably (and I mean WAY too comfortably!) sits down and farts like he's NEVER farted before! The smell is just TERRIBLE! It's so bad that no words can describe it, Much like those of my father's actually…
was has always enjoyed a lot o' baked beans, so he's used to the smell. In fact, I'd say he'd be immune to it. And by the way, he breathes the air so deeply, I think he LIKES the smell! This is one weird guy!
The gas is so putrid that everyone is knocked out by the fumes, even the sewage demons! Way to go, Was!
Barfy, Panda, Angle and 12 demons all lie unconscious on the grimy tiled floor of the toilets.
Another few almighty farts and a good ol' crap, Was wipes his bum - I mean, sweet derriere -, pulls up his pants, flushes the toilet, opens the door and casually walks out, satisfied with the movement of his bowel. To his surprise, he discovers 3 unconscious friends and the 12 demons all lying on the floor. Being immune to the power of his gas, Was is puzzled as to why they are all unconscious, but takes the chance to try his hand at Slaying. He takes the stake from Barfy's limp hand and stabs all 12 of the demons, which turn into sweet smelling flowers.
The beautiful smell of the fresh flowers take over as Was' methane begins to disappear into the atmosphere, off to destroy the ozone layer. The fresh air and gorgeous smell awakens Angle, Panda and Barfy' and drawn by the lovely smell of the now floral remains of what were once viscously smelly demons, Giles and Pillow also enter.
Wondering what they are doing taking so long in the toilets, Cordial, armed with a packet of laxative chocolates, marches in and finds them all standing there, looking as if there are all on drugs, Wait a minute, isn't this the girls' toilets? Cordial picks up Barfy's vomit bag, and violently hits Panda, Piles, Was and Angle with it, lecturing them on how filthy they are for hanging out in the girls' toilets. And just in time too, because Cordial accidentally lets go of the barf-bag, where it explodes all overt the walls.
Outside the toilets, Bike is waiting for them. Waiting to tackle Barfy, and defeater her, once and for all! But he is so surprised by their behaviour that he drops the sword he was carrying, and runs into the girls' toilets to find out what it is that is making them all act so… unusual!
He sees the flowers, and smells the sweet, fresh aroma. Bike is completely overcome with feeling of love, peace and happiness. He picks up a bunch of the flowers and skips all the way home to his darling Poo to give her the flowers and tell her how much he loves her.
Everyone in Sunnydale realises that all they ever wanted in life was love, peace, happiness, sweet smelling flowers, and an endless supply of baked beans, Thank you, Was, and his father, the new owner of the Heinz baked beanz company. Everyone lives happily ever after. Bike and Poo follow in the footsteps of Angle, also becoming vegetarian, living in harmony with Barfy and friends.